There were times in the past when I asked to hang out with guys and it just went wrong. We'd hang out and it was either terribly boring or there was just no chemistry when we were together and that is something that's just easy to accept and move on from for me; like I gave it a shot, he gave it a shot, and it just didn't work, that's cool. But other times, dudes just flat out said "Nah, I'm good," and to a teenaged girl (at least the ones like me, I'm finding) that's like saying "I can't tell you exactly why I don't like you or want to hang out with you, I just don't," which is a harpoon to the chest for someone always seeking reason and logic. Like, have you met me? Do you see how awesome I am here? Why wouldn't you (not being narcisstic...okay maybe I am but really? I'm kind of cool.)?
I think that contributes to my shyness the most and turns it into this kind of aversion to bothering people. Whenever I get the urge to ask for anything from people
Prime example is that I've been trying to ask Johnny from work to hang out for like a week, but one thing after another keeps getting in the way. Wrong numbers here, not enough time there, we don't see each other in the office as much, and it's just like 'Maybe that's your sign, Tes.' But for once though...I don't think it is. Yes, I've tried sending texts that he apparently doesn't get and I've tried calling (damn you, error 505...) and it's just not it for me. So I've decided to do the thing I haven't done in ages, the unthinkable (no Alicia) and just bite the bullet, wait until I see him, and ask.
It's funny that when I think about it, it terrifies me, but somehow I know that when I get to talking, it won't even seem that big a deal for me. I feel comfortable in myself, and enough in him, to know that he's not just gonna clown me in the street on some "YOU?! HELL NAH SON!" He's a nice guy, I'm a nice girl, and it won't get to that level. And it took me four years of fearing the rejection to finally have the epiphany that, yeah, that sh*t'll sting, but it won't be the end of me. And if he doesn't want to, or can't, that won't be the end of us as friends. And I'll still be the nice girl, and he'll still be the nice guy, but I'll have gotten just one step out of this chalk outline that I've drawn for myself as the shy girl.